I've realized my plan of moving various rings from one hand to another and - at this point anyway - it looks pretty weird to me.
The whole theory of having my wedding ring on my right hand and elevating the pearl ring all my girls AND Tom gave me together one birthday find a home on my left ring finger totally makes sense. All the rings look great - I had a jeweler clean them and repair anything that needed repair and size them to fit their new digits but it's all still very strange and awkward.
And sad.
It's just not right....
It's silly and fruitless to rail against the universe; what is - IS - and cannot be denied and yet I desperately want to do just that. I want this whole "Tom Is Dead" thing to be simply a cruel joke that's gone on long enough and needs to be done. He needs to walk through the door and call me his Ho-nee and give me a big hug and a long kiss; he needs to make grapefruit juice with our own grapefruits so the house is filled with their scent; he needs to keep pestering me when I'm naked in the tub even though that annoys me to no end; he needs to be mad at the Red Wings even when they're winning because they're not winning by ENOUGH; he needs to be sitting on the sofa at 5:00PM Monday through Friday clapping when Suzy when homes from work; he needs to be buying tickets to all the pre-season games he and Dick and Dave and Wes were going to road trip to this spring; he needs to turn Morning Joe on at exactly 6:00AM every day and then rub my back while we talk about the day's agenda; and he needs to tell me in his own voice what a big girl I've been handling this horrible cosmic joke with aplomb; and, and, and, and, and... that's not going to happen.
He's not going to be here for whatever happens next to me or the girls or the grandchildren or any of our relatives or friends and that's the truth, hard as it is to swallow.
For the first time in my life I can't brainstorm a dozen ways to Make This Right. I can't negotiate any outcome other than what is; all I can do is hold and roll. On the one hand that can and must be enough. On the other... well... there IS no Other Hand.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I think it is a little soon for you to be deciding it's right to do this, or it's right to do that. You are trying to make yourself move on by moving the rings (in my opinion) but it hasn't even been a month! It will feel right when it's right. What does "Make this right" mean? You can't make it right, you aren't in control of it. It just is. You are in control of how you handle yourself from here on out and that's it. We love you and hope you do what you need to. Whatever that may be.
ReplyDelete